Haha, I meant to post this before the episode aired tonight. WHOOPS. D:NEW OPENING OMGOMGOMGOMG WOWOWOWOWOWO. Or something. Tyra singing some more, skanks dressed up in their promo outfits being ugly model-like. Okay, now that that excitement is over...OH MY GOD, can I just say how much I AHBOR THE NEW TYRA MAIL? I mean, the ticker idea is cute and all and doesn't waste paper or some shit (CLAIRE, THE GLOBAL WARRIOR, SHOULD BE HAPPY) -- but to hear these annoying cows YELL AND SQUEAL out the TYRA MAIL every time it arrives? AND IT GOES SO SLOW SO THEY SOUND LIKE A BUNCH OF PRESCHOOLERS LEARNING HOW TO READ? HOLY SHIT, THE TYRA MAIL IS TORTURE TO THE VIEWERS THIS SEASON.ANYWAYS, look at us! In New York! How exciting! New apartment! Some bunk beds! Bitches on the fake practice runway! Some kind of large pimp bed that bitches will have to share! Huge pictures of Tyra and past winners! Crappy Tyra Ticker Mail! And this was all after they made them sit in some random empty cafe and receive a message tube from some random guy that was like, "LOL THIS WAY TO YOUR APARTMENT!!1" You mean they couldn't have just sent them to the apartment right off the bat? WTF.Oh, and lol, while the tramps are walking through the streets of NY we get a golden nugget of information from fivehead blondie Kimberly, who I knew I hated right from the start. She tells us shit about how lucky she is to be here and so on and then she adds she's "exspecially" lucky cause there were so many other girls who tried out. OKAY. GET OUT. I HATE YOU SO MUCH.While in the apartment, Amis (the Amy that changed her name), Fatima and Kimberhead go outside to smoke, since there are huge NO SMOKING signs on the front of the apartment doors. Which, alright, no smoking in the house. Atalya, the one no one remembers, gets kind of pissy about it and Kimberhead is all, "Wai, smoking doesn't make me any less of a model~!" Okay, true. But did you watch last cycle when Tyra got all high and mighty about smoking and how it's a bad example for all the little elementary school bitches who are already starving themselves and waiting to buy cigarettes cause they want to be models too? THINK ABOUT THE CHILDRENS. Or some shit. With all these cancer sticks, I have a feeling Tyra is gonna go all fucking tobacco smackdown again. Don't be a smoker with discolored teeth and rotting lungs if you want to win this shit, hos!Some dumb pointless fights I don't give a rat's ass about happen here and then the Jays drop by! Oh, it's time for a tour of the city! The Jays and the skanks pile on a double decker tour thing and ride around until they end up in Times Square -- where, surprise, bitches! Time for a runway show! Which, awesome, since more than half these whores are still absolutely horrendous walkers. They're modeling Badgley Mischka gowns, which always makes me think of annoying bitches on American Idol who have worn specially made ones (Spat-out McPee, Whoredin Sparks and so on) so my face instantly droops into: D: Marvita walks pretty crappy, she's looking down at her feet. Actually, I don't think it's that she walks horribly, she's just looking at her feet and looking insanely pissed off -- I mean, she looks like she's gonna cut a bitch when she gets backstage. Hell, maybe even while she's on the runway (best runway show ever)! Kimberhead bitches that the outfit she was wearing and the purse she was carrying were just LIEK SO EXPENSIVE, EXSPECIALLY THE PURSE OMG. She would NEVAR PAY THAT MUCH FOR SOMETHING TO WARE OMG. What the fuck are you doing on this show? A major part of modeling is WEARING AND SHOWING OFF CLOTHES THAT ARE TOO EXPENSIVE. HOLY SHIT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT MODELING IS? Amis annoys me on the runway. Whitney looks pretty hot. And I don't remember any of the other bitches -- oh wait, Lauren was really awkward, but you expected that and that's no surprise, yes? RIGHT.As the girls are coming backstage from the show, they're all flailing around excited and Fatima pretty much slaps Marvita in the face. I mean, I'm sure she didn't mean to, but the fact that she didn't even ACKNOWLEDGE it afterwards? WHAT?! It was just so weird to watch in slow motion. Marvita, of course, gets pissed -- actually, no not of course. Who wouldn't get pissed? Getting smacked in the face and then LOOKED IN THE EYE by the person who did it and then watching them WALK AWAY WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING? Marvita lets herself go verbally and Fatima is trying to pretty much pass it off like it was nothing. Oh drama, where would ANTM be without you?The next morning, the modelwannabes end up at the Elite Modeling Agency building where one of the most awesome segments on any cycle ever takes place. Paulina Porizkova comes out (btw, this is the hot supermodel judge replacing the way-too-nice Twiggy) and she's gonna be truthful and hurtful. AWESOME. TELL THEM WHAT WE ALL WANT TO TELL THEM, PAULINA.We don't get to see all of her critiques, but we do get to see her tell Dominique she looks pretty tranny -- then she tells Kimberhead that she looks like she has a dark side, which, what? Where the hell are you getting that from? Although, she does tell her she has scrunched facial features -- yeah, because they take up only like 40% of her face while the rest is all FOREHEAD.Time to go to the first photoshoot! They find their huge non-earth-friendly vehicle taxi thing that's six miles long outside (oh, sorry Claire! Last season was the environmentally friendly one! This season no one seems to give a shit anymore!)~ and then they all squeal and act annoying, which is what always happens on this show when Tyra/the Jays/their vehicle/anything else arrives for the first time -- or subsequent times. So bitches get in the cab-limo (Fab Cab), we'll just call it the cabmo (which is cooler than Fab Cab), and there's more petty bitch-fighting which is boring and useless. I think it was Marvita and Fatima again, shocker. Although, I do remember quite clearly, Marvita saying, "THIS HO IS TRIPPIN'!" -- which made me cackle. They meet Mr. Jay in an alley and he tells them what they're going to be doing for their shoot.(Random note: LOL on Saleisha's commercial, "I HAD TO CHANGE MY HAIRSTYLE" -- thank you. No more Tootie/Dora/Mushroom. These should be amusing all season -- sorry, cycle.)PHOTOSHOOT: So the girls are basically posing "homeless" -- which, are you kidding me? And they'll be posing with actual homeless girls. This seems like such a rude thing to do. I mean, it was really awesome that they wanted to raise awareness about it and they actually did by telling viewers and the wannabe models about the Reciprocity Foundation, but it just kind of seemed like a slap in the face to be like, "Look at us! Bringing all these hos who are having everything paid for them and their asses wiped cause they are 'pretty' -- to pose with you homeless girls! Okay! We're done now. We're taking these hot, expensive gowns back and getting out of here. BYEEEEEE!" I don't know, it just seemed rude.And by the way, the three girls that were posing with our dumb skanks pretty much out-modeled and looked hotter than about 90% percent of this batch of fuggos. Put them on the show instead!As for the fuggos...AIMEE: The panel practically piddled themselves over her picture, which, I'm not sure why. She kind of looks lost but saved only by her awesome makeup job and her cheekbones. I think this picture pretty much blows besides that. Well, the girls she's modeling with look awesome, but she just looks sort of there. And I still have no idea who she is.ALLISON: HATE. HAAAAATE. What happened to all her, "I'M SO AWESOME" shit talk from the last episode? She was squatting all over the place and looking really stupid and Jay was just kind of like, "o_o", which is pretty much what I'm like too. This photo is not impressive. This bitch is not impressive. Moving on!AMY AMIS: Buh. Kind of boring. Also, she annoyed the shit out of me during her shoot, hopping around and basically acting like a tool. Lisa 2.0. Now all she needs to do is get drunk, talk to a tree and pee in a diaper (btw, the diaper thing must be while she's sober). YAWN ON YOU THIS WEEK, AMISSED.ANYA: I still hate this bitch with a passion. Her picture does not impress me and I have no idea why she was called out first. Also, everything she said in her interviews made me want to smack her even more. I feel bad for the other tramps for having to live with her and her obnoxious accent and so on. I could go on about her forever. Oh god. Not impressive. At all. Sorry. (OR AM I?)ATALYA (ELIMINATED): LOLOLOLOL, what was that about being forgettable again? Her picture is okay, but she just doesn't really stand out in any way. And all the internets is going batshit cause their like, "OH MAH GAWD, SHE'S KICKING OUT THE 'BLACK COMMERCIAL MODEL GIRL NEXT DOOR' CAUSE SHE'S RESPONDING TO THE WHOLE SALEISHA-GATE INCIDENT OMG OMGOMGOGM GAWWWWD~~~!11" ...are we still on that? Crap cycle, last time, no one remembers that shit anymore, let it go. They got rid of Atalya cause she wasn't MEMORABLE OR MODEL-Y. Jeezus H. These bitches never go on to do anything major anyways so I don't know why OHGAWDSALEISHAGATE is such a big deal anyways. I see a bitch win and I'm like YAY or NAY! And then the next day I couldn't care less about it. IN THE END, ATALYA YOU WERE PRETTY, BUT SORRY. D:CLAIRE: I'm not real sure why everyone on the internets is shitting their pants over Claire. Her eyes look funny to me and her face just looks kind of whack when she's interviewing -- with all that said, this picture is definitely good and her runway was fine, but right now she is nowhere near my top picks. Maybe after the makeover; get rid of that ugly side-shaved-head thing, PLEASE. Oh yeah, and Miss Jay was right about the looking like she just had a bad bout of gas or something with the hand positioning. LOL.DOMINIQUE: LOL TRANNY! Her picture bores me, but her whining about how Paulina called her a transvestite got us the first snap of the season from the awesome makeup artist Sutan: "Well, people are always mistaking me for a man, too." I LOVE YOU, SUTAN. Aaaaand Dominique's picture blah blah whatever.FATIMA: She was being a bitch this episode, pretty much for real, but her picture is one of the best I think. She actually drew some emotion out of somewhere instead of looking like she posed by imitating every high fashion magazine pose ever (and doing a shitty job too *looks at other bitches*). Her eyes looks great and I actually look at her first and not the hot chicks around her. Now step it up and quit your bitching, Fatima!KATARZYNA: What is the big deal with her? Another OMG OMG OMG OMG SO AWESOME YEAY! that I just don't see. Still a glass of nasty Zima to me. ZZZzzzzZZZZZZZzzZZZZzzzZzzZ.KIMBERLY (QUIT): AHAHAH DUMB BITCH. We'll get to the quitting in a moment though, I don't know why Tyra was like, "HER PICTURE WAS REALLY GOOD" -- after she quit, cause I think it pretty much dead-eyed sucked. I think Tyra was just saying that to make Kimberhead feel like shit later, which good, she should. It's her fault some other skank who REALLY WANTED THIS didn't make it because her ugly, sorry stupid funkass did. Bitch. Ugly picture. Ugly ho. YAY FOR QUITTERS. But I bet she'll keep smoking. SPENDING MONEY ON CLOTHES = NO. SPENDING MONEY ON SLOW SUICIDE = YES, AWESOME!LAUREN: LOL, on the runway walk, still -- but this picture actually looks pretty good. She reminds me of Shirley Manson in this shot (and lots of other times too). And that's definitely not a bad thing.MARVITA: I really dig her picture. Like Fatima, after she kind of got into the swing of things, she was able to just draw from it and use it. Also, her and Fatima fought more during the photoshoot, but then MADE UP. WHAT? THERE IS NO MAKING UP ON TOP MODEL. NOW WHERE WILL ALL THE DRAMA COME FROM? D: I sense this truce won't last long. STACY-ANN: If it wasn't for her silly lap dance song then I would be going, "WHO IS THAT?!?!" every time she showed up on screen. Her picture is pretty pose-y, but still looks okay. I did dig Tyra doing her five poses at panel and then just flat out going, "THAT WAS NUMBER 2" when Miss Jay asked which one was in the photo.WHITNEY: Invisible wind machine is a go! She looks really pretty in this shot and if she wasn't safe after this shot I would never watch this show again.Jay thanks the girls for helping with the photoshoot. Dammit, Jay! Take them with you! They're hotter than half the shit you're carting around this cycle! D: Kimberhead is talking to Fatima about how much she loves everything about modeling -- except high fashion, which is like 80% of modeling, you dumb bitch. Fatima doesn't bother responding, she's just kind of thinking in her head, "LOL, one down, twelve to go!" TIME TO GO TO PANEL!Recapping prizes, here are the judges. A NEW JUDGE! PAULINA! LOL~ Now you bitches are really in for it! Femme Jay has on a vest-jacket thing with all the names of the skanks velcroed to it, which he will tear off one by one as they leave. I like this better than that flowers and the afro. It's more personal. It's all, "BYE BYE BITCH *RIIIIIP~*" Tyra then blabs about the photoshoot and homelessness and all that jazz. How about the show like donates money or something instead of just snapping some pictures with some of the girls. Oh wait, their budget sucks this season -- that's right. MY BAD~They go over the pictures, yadda yadda. And last to be critiqued is Kimberhead. Tyra tells her to take off her 80's headband and then Jay bitches about her catwalk and how she didn't look like she wanted to really be there. Tyra asks if she wants to be there and Kimberhead is like, "Durrrrrrrh, the whole fashion industry doesn't really interest me."... OH MY GOD. THEN WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SIGN UP FOR? THE SHOW IS CALLED AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. NOT AMERICA'S NEXT BIG FOREHEAD.The judges are pissed, rightfully so, and Tyra is just already over it like, "Then why did you come here?" She responds with, "TO EXPRESS PICTURES." WAIT, what did you say about not being a dumb blonde again? The other girls look like they're all shocked beyond belief and I think a couple of them might want to beat her up. Or maybe that's just me wanting to beat her up. Tyra asks her if she wants to go home. She responds with yes. I was expecting Tyra to GO OFF pretty much, but she responded with "Alright, go home." LOLOLOL! TYRA! This is pretty classic cause now Kimberhead will get like no publicity about it at all cause Tyra didn't go off on her. It was just, "LOL dumb girl going home bye~"Her picture gets torn in half and Tyra tells the remaining girls that there will still be an elimination. Haha, so much for bringing one extra person this cycle. Here's the call out: Anya (dsjfakjsdkfjaksdj), Claire, Whitney, Lauren, Aimee, Fatima, Marvita, Zima, Stacy-Ann, Tranny and Allison. Atalya and Amissed are in the bottom two, with Atalya out. Okay, I was getting sick of trying to remember who she was. Of course, that means we keep Amissed. Ugh. SOON.Shit, usually by this time I have like two or three favorites. These bitches still pretty much suck. I guess Whitney, Lauren and... and... maybe Marvita/Fatima when they're not acting like PMSing hookers (which is like all the time) are my favorites right now.UNTIL THE NEXT RECAP, SO LONG THUGS.LOL the cut tonight was the best thing ever, BTW.